so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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