hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
