i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
