The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
