Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the condom got lost in my hair
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
