Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
