I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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