Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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