I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize