I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
