Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
