just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
