both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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