remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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