dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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