I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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