Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
