Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
