Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
