I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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