The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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