dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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