I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
