i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
