My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
