forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
