I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
