I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
