we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
