I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
