you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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