I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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