I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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