Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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