I cannot find my penis.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
