K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
