I feel like abortions should bother me more
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
