Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
