she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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