I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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