I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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