So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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