WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
