a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
