Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
