dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
