rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
