omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
