I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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