They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
