stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
